WEATHER ACROSS THE NATION

It looks like another scorcher across two-thirds of the
nation today as high pressure dominates the South,
East, West and Midwest. That Southern high should
take some of the chill off of those Klan meetings, and
for the rest of you morons, what the hell did you
expect? It's August, it's hot, and deal with it.

In fact, the only part of the country that will be
cool will be the Pacific Northwest and Alaska, and if
you're stupid enough to live in Alaska, you deserve
what you get. What do those Eskimos do in the Summer
anyway? Run casinos? Whack seals? What a bunch of
idiots.

Today's helpful weather tip: If you feel you're
getting too hot, just drop dead in your tracks and lie
there. Those sweat beads and that sharp pain in your
chest are usually a good sign that your time is up,
anyway. Someone else can mow the lawn.

Old Weather Saying (from the Bisexual Farmer's
Almanac):
It's an ill wind that causes that stud to dump you
right when you were just losing weight.