MASS TURNOUT FOR OSBOURNES RIP-OFF SHOW

ABC-Family Deluged By Response To Open Audition

New York City, May 9, 2002 (UP)- As several
networks jump all over each other in an attempt to put the
next Osbournes-type show on the air, ABC-Family
(formerly The Family Channel) (formerly ABC) (formerly
Fox-Family) (formerly the 700 Club)
(still Disney-related) will attempt to emulate MTV's
success with the show by airing a version of their own.
Tentatively titled "The Formerly Drugged-Out
Somebody's", the show would begin airing this
Fall."We've seen a great untapped audience come
forward," says ABC-Family (Disney flunky) Temporary
Vice-President in Charge of Family-Type But Cool
For Everyone Programming Jay Filaster. The open
casting call (placed through BackStage (a theatre publication)
as well as several drug-oriented publications) asked
for "a family, real or otherwise, with a past, real or
otherwise, of drug use, perversion, or criminal
mischief." The ad did specify that any background
of terrorism would be unacceptable.
Mary Fennerball, an unwed, thrice-married mother
of three (approximately) said her family would be
perfect for the show as she stood on the line to audition
that went on for almost three blocks. "I was a junkie,"
Fennerball said. "I don't speedball much anymore,
and I've definitely cut back on acid. But my kids
hate me, and I really don't know where I am half the
time." When a reporter pointed out that she seemed
pretty lucid, she cursed him out, shoved him in front of
a bus and ran off. An ABC-Family channel publicist
was seen following after her, and later convinced her
to just give it a try.
ABC-Family would prefer a family with a rock
background, but a spokesperson said they had ruled
out the Partridge Family and The Poppy Family for
obvious reasons. The same spokesperson could not confirm
that Valerie Bertinelli had been approached to coax
either her stupored husband Eddie Van Halen or former CBS
castmate Mackenzie Phillips out of retirement.
There had been a rumor that someone at the network had
approached Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, but
that Wilson had followed a network executive home and
refused to leave until he was given ice cream.
"We don't normally condone this kind of lifestyle
at Disney," Disney Chairman (and ex-post-facto ABC
President) Michael Eisner said, "but hey, let's
face it. Walt was no saint, and frankly I'm getting
&*$(@$! sick of that damned mouse." There was no
word from Eisner as to whether Disney would consider
adding the family as a ride at one of its' disgustingly
successful theme parks if the show was a hit.
-END-