GREENSPAN PROMISES WAR!

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan spoke the soothing words
investors and lawmakers alike have been yearning for when, early Tuesday morning, he
announced to Congress that the economy is on the road to full recovery.
When one shirtless Wall Street trader asked how the hell he knew, Greenspan replied,
"Simple. Gentlemen," he said, "We're going to war." Congress immediately
erupted in applause while a few reporters gushed at his feet, groping for the
demi-god's pant legs.
As the crowd simmered down, however, Georgia Congresswoman Cynthia
McKinney asked Greenspan to clarify what war he was referring to and "how exactly that would spell a turnaround in the economy."
"Well, I wasn't talking to you, missy," Greenspan replied, "But what
I'm talking about is not so much a war against terror as an ancient war--the war of
good against evil, of God against Satan, of America against Iraq, of Christians
versus heathens, of might makes right-wings take flight! I'm talking about a war that
has no beginning and will therefor never end! Boeing will make the bombs and
the planes of glory, and Monstanto will make the food of the gods to feed our
righteous angels of vengeance, and whosoever shall standeth in the way of the Pentagon shall feel the wrath of the five fingers of the burning Bush family around their
throats!" At this utterance some eyewitnesses claim to have seen fire shoot from
Greenspan's cufflinks, but some experts claim they were in fact fire balls.
As to how going to war would save the economy, Greenspan explained that
by pumping tax money into big government-sanctioned companies, which would then
divide the money 40 to 1 between CEOs and employees, we would see a miraculous
change in the general countenance of "those in charge of this whole system."
He ended by predicting that McKinny was unlikely to experience a sixth term in
office, and left the building following a ray of white light from the sky. Most
analysts agree that killing thousands of people whose names are hard
to pronounce and who come from places we've never been have historically
staved off American recessions.
"But this time it's different," said Steve Carl, Head of Equity Trading
with The Williams Capital Group. "This time we'll kill anyone, whether you live
in the Middle East, Korea, China, below the poverty line or to the left side of the
political line, we're investing in all the right equipment to kick your ass and
make a killing.um, uh no pun intended.don't quote that, but that's what we're
doing." Some middle-class investors aren't so sure. "But I've lost my
retirement fund," said Martha Wallard, a Compton Heights resident. "Sure, I'm only 34, but in ten years when I was planning on retiring, will I get that money back?"
"I wish those people at the capital would have kept the cat in the bag,"
her husband, Maurice, added. "At least when we were all living a lie we had
the kind of consumer confidence you could count on." That sort of sentiment seems to be marginal, however, as so many people in America are poor enough to have experienced little added hardship from the most recent downturn in the economy. Gail Robinson of Fox Park notes, "So what now they've got a bare market, let them dress it up again, I don't care! Most of the people I know don't even have bank accounts what with the hassle of trying to keep up with rent and all that--I don't have time to think about all this stuff. Leave me alone, I'm trying to take my kid to the doctor before going to my second job." With her annual income of well below $17,000, she represents just one of the estimated 31.1 million people living in poverty in America today.

matthew berliant